My nephew John Chace asked that I provide him with some of my personal experiences having to do with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder..or being involved in traumatic situations...for a class he is teaching at the Philadelphia Biblical University on Trauma.
I have written something like this for several Marines who served with me in Vietnam and had PTSD problems. Perhaps some of you may gain some insight on what Marines and other service men go through from my experiences..To have some infirmities as a result of military service, is something not to be ashamed of..
I retired from the Marine Corps as a Colonel in 1981. I was 52 years old and in good health except for bronchial bronchitis which I attributed to smoking. I went to work for a Corporation that dealt with Military equipment. My job was Marketing Manager for Combat vehicles. It was not a stressful job and it did involve a lot of martini lunches..but for all practical purposes, I was a happy man.
I worked for this Corporation for 14 years..at which time I moved to Florida to begin a retirement lifestyle.
At the age of 67, I began to have difficulty with sleeping. I had recurrent dreams that caused me to holler and flail my arms and ended in cold sweats. At the time I was also the President of the Association in the condo we lived in. I found this to a stressful job in as much a small group of men wanted to take over the Association and I was in the way. They caused many problems, including a law suits to make me and others resign from the Board of Directors. With my Marine background, one would think I could handle this situation with no problem..but I found myself deeply involved in trying to resolve a situation that grew worse as time went on. I finally resigned from the job as President due to a forthcoming colon cancer operation..however, I did not give up as being the spokesman for those on the Board being sued.
All of this was ongoing as I passed into the problem of sleep disorder. My sleeping problems were in only two categories:
1. As a graduate of the Naval Academy, I frequently dreamed that I was not ready for a final exam. In some cases, I did not have the proper book. In other cases, I was simply not prepared and I knew it would affect my graduation. There were other dreams involving circumstances wherein I was unprepared for the activities or academic requirements that went on at the Academy.
2. There were many dreams about being in the Marine Corps, and again, unprepared for events that were sometimes very common to Marine Corps life..for example, I was to participate in a parade, but could not find my tie..or my hat was missing..I was holding up the event as the result of my being unprepared. I had many dreams of being in a combat situation and not knowing what the best course of action should be. These dreams of problems involving almost always a combat situation was very unsettling...and would come to mind as soon as soon as I woke up.
I decided to go to the Veterans Hospital for help. The solution, as they determined, was that I should be in group therapy sessions with other Veterans to discuss our problems. I also decided to seek the help of a psychiatrist as recommended by another doctor who said this lady would be helpful to me..and indeed she was. I had no problem of relating to her and explaining the nature of my dreaming problems. We talked of many things, but one struck a chord and I knew it pertained to me:
She told me that certain stressful Professions could affect the sleeping habits of individuals. These professions included doctors, lawyers and particularly military men. It was a situation where the individual were classified as an "over achievers." It was a case where a person was in a position where one could not fail...or was involved with a life or death situation.
I did join two groups wherein men got together and discussed very topics. Of particular value was a group of 12 Marine Colonels who met once a month for lunch. At these luncheons, pleasant memories of Marine Corps experiences were discussed and it was such an occasion that one would look forward to the get together.
The psychiatrist also prescribed a pill to reduce stress and one to help going to sleep. I have now been taking the pill to reduce stress for several year.
Out of this experience, I was declared suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. As time passed, I was amazed at how many of my Marine friends, (many of whom were classmates of mine from the Naval Academy) admitted to the same problem.
Another time that had a considerable impact on my life was during the period of 1964-1967 when I was assigned as Inspector- Instructor of a Marine Reserve Training Unit in West Palm Beach, Florida. One would think that this would be an ideal tour in the Marine Corps..but it was hardly that. With the start of the Vietnamese War, it became necessary to make causality calls to parents of Marines that were killed or were wounded. This involved face to face notification of either KIA or WIA..and in two cases Missing in Action.. I did this for three years and regreted time the phone rang. Most notifications to me came between Midnight and Morning..It meant waking up, taking a pencil and piece of paper to record the Marines name, cause of death or wound, and the address of next of kin. Depending on the hour of the call, there was no sleep following these notifications..and as time went on, each notification became more difficult. I had a Marine driver and a Corpsman go with me on these calls. I finally found some help in the use of amphetamines to help with the stressful occasion. I finally ended up taking "uppers and "downers" to get me through the ordeal. By the time I reached Vietnam in 1967, it took some time and I needed help from a doctor to get rid of my addiction.
In retrospect, this was not the way to handle the causality situation..but unless one had to go through experience, it might be understood why the drugs were necessary. It is interesting to note, except for a few family, I completely erased the causality call, names and parents from my mind. Only now, over 30 years later, I once in a while will find the name of one of these causality calls. At that time, the entire recall of the day, name, place of burial, comes immediately to my mind.
As for stress in combat situations, it is not possible to quantify or explain how the death of a Marine affected me. As the Battalion Commander, I did for the most part write and sign the letters home to the parents concerning the circumstances of their boy'd death. I never got use to it and some letters were much more difficult than others..for example, a letter describing the death of their son because of a lightning strike to his helmet. There were others equally difficult, especially if I knew the Marine from previous tours..in those cases, I knew the families who would read my letters. I wrote most all of these letters at night when I was by myself..I also wrote them the day that death occurred, because I was aware what would happen when they were notified and they would want to know the circumstances of the death. There was no putting aside the tragedy ..it had to dealt with immediately and they occurred far too frequently. The saving grace in all of this, for a leader, was to be forever conscious of the situations you asked or directed the Marines to do when going into Harm's Way. I depended upon the officers of the Battalion to help me in this regard..and I was fortunate to have good leaders who were also sensitive to the possible outcomes of their directions. As far as being a Marine is concerned, all Marines know they will never be left behind and no one takes better care of them than the Marine on his right or left. This comfort is enjoyed by all ranks..
As I review the career I spent in the Marine Corps, I am for ever conscious of the fact that I made the rank of Colonel due to Officers and Enlisted men who I served with..and the knowledge I gained from Officers who were my leaders.. I found my strength in our history and traditions...but no matter how strong I felt I was, in due time the mind., as result of stressful situations, will affect your way of life. It is not a weakness to have PTSD..and I am not ashamed to admit it..As the saying goes, "It goes with the territory!"
