USMC CHRISTMAS PARTY               

1 Dec. 2004
To: All Marines
Subj: Merry Christmas Party

I am happy to inform the members of the Assault Amphibian Battalion that our Merry Christmas Party will take place on 23 December, at the All Hands Service Club. There will be copious amounts of liquid libations to include beer, some foreign suds, wine, spiked eggnog and grog stolen by "B" Company from their last deployment on a British ship. Since all beer, wine and liquor is free, there will be no need for the rolling of dice to pay for drinks. Games of "Ship, Captain and Crew" will be permitted.

There will be a side of roast beef cooked to perfection! The Division Band will play traditional Christmas Carols ..please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Commanding General shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

Merry Christmas to you and your family..

Stub Chace
Battalion Commander ___________________________________________

2 Dec. 2004
To: All Marines
Subj: Christmas Party

In accordance with traditional Marine Corps Policy, yesterday's memo was not intended to exclude our Jewish troops. The Marine Corps recognizes that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. Therefore, from now on we are calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to those Marines who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

In view of the above, certain changes have been made. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. The Division Band will play a medley of the John Phillip Souza's marches.

Plans to have Father Flatery, our Catholic Chaplain to be released from the Brig to say the Blessing has been cancelled. The Battalion Adjutant will read selected paragraphs from the Fleet Marine Force Manual on Leadership.

The Commanding General will probably arrive wearing "Cammies."

Happy Holidays to you and your family

Stub Chace
Battalion Commander

____________________________________________

3 Dec. 2004

To: All Marines
Subj: Holiday Party

I have received an official notification from Marine members of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking section of tables. I am happy to accommodate this request, but, be advised, that if I put a sign on those tables that designates "AA Only," this will blow your cover and you will no longer be anonymous. As I did last year, an empty wagon will be in place near the stage for those who care to "fall off."

To accommodate a request from the Staff NCO's, only Boiler Makers in battered canteen cups will be served in their section.

Happy Holiday to a wonderful bunch!

Stub Chace
Battalion Commander



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7 Dec. 2004

To: All Marines
Subj: Holiday Party

In response to some more recent requests from those butterball members of the Battalion on a strict diet due to being on the overweight program, I have arranged for them to sit at the farthest end of the room away from the desert table.

For those Marines who are pregnant. I have arranged your seating adjacent to the Women's Head. I have also arranged for Corpsmen to sit near you...and for field mess equipment to include hot water to be present.

In connection with Marine Corps Policy and not to violate the "Don't Ask...Don't Tell" syndrome, gay male Marines are allowed to sit with each other and to act as inconspicuous as you wish. However, as requested, flowers will be placed on your tables.

There is no requirement that lesbians sit near the gay male Marines. You can sit with each other ..or those that are "Acey- Duecy" (AC-DC) may sit anywhere they want.

Happy Holiday to you and yours

Stub Chace
Battalion Commander

__________________________________________

9 Dec. 2004

To: All Marines
Subj: Holiday Party

Marines! Marines! There was nothing sinister nor was there anything intended in mentioning the Commanding General may arrive as Santa Claus. So what, for Christ Sake, if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan."

There was no evil connotation in expecting our General to arrive wearing a "red suit!" You should be aware that he frequently likes to dress up as a cowboy because of his admiration for our Commander In Chief, President Bush.

Happy Holiday to all

Stub Chace
Battalion Commander

____________________________________________

10 Dec.2004

To: All Marines
Subj: Holiday Party

My dear Ass Hole vegetarians..and I want to emphasize "Ass Holes!" We are going to serve the side of roast beef whether you like or not! You can just sit at the table the farthest away from the hanging cow (or as you called it, the "butchered animal of death") and enjoy only the salad bar. You can munch away on the hydroponic tomatoes all you like. But, you must know, that tomatoes have feelings too! And how about artichokes leafs getting dipped in hot butter and dragged between your upper and lower teeth! I hear these vegetables screaming, believe me! I can hear them screaming right now!

Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! I hope all you Ass Holes have a rotten Holiday! ..which ever one you care to celebrate!

I hope you all drive home drunk and die!

Do you read me, you Ass Holes??

Screw you and the horse you ride!!

__________________________________________

11 Dec. 2004

To: All Marines
Subj:...............

I am sure I speak for all of you in wishing our straight Battalion Commander a speedy recovery from his stress related illness. I will be happy to forward your holiday cards to him as he is currently in Section 8 of the Naval Hospital.

In the meantime, the Commanding General has suggested that we cancel the festivities planned for the Holiday Party on the 23rd of December and that we give all Marines in the Battalion an early liberty call on that afternoon.

Semper Fi
C. Puller
Battalion Executive Officer